Well spring is clearly upon us because the singles are getting restless. They’ve been cooped up all winter, eating holiday meals and sucking down Bon Bons while their coupled up pals have been sending out cutesy couple fireside pics via every form of social media.
The diets have begun, the gyms are busy and the hunt is on.
We rose this morning after some much needed beauty sleep. Sweet Scamper has been working her fingers to the bone. It has come to our attention that a couple of our precious friends have been indulging in a little behind the back chitty chat.
It seems as though Miss Thing and Ella have decided that Scamper has become a… Brace yourself… Mean Girl, as of late. How rude.
It is possible that because precious Scamper has been inundated with work, we’ve become less amenable to placating chitter chatter. Frankly, we’ve always found that tiresome but due to the fact that Scamper is an incomparable delight, we try not to show it. Apparently when we went to Starbucks this morning with Miss Thing, we made a disparaging remark about some creature’s mind boggling wardrobe choice. We simply asked if the recent storm had caused catastrophic water and electric failure in certain parts of town. We thought it a perfectly reasonable question given that the woman hadn’t showered and was dressed like a sci-fi version of MC Hammer.
Miss Thing was not amused and suggested that we had been neglecting our social life, except she was crude about it. We pretended that we weren’t grievously offended but we were. We left pleasantly and returned to work for a few hours but our focus was off. Scamper was miffed.
We decided to pay Ella a lunch time visit. We were still contemplating our approach when we entered the office. Would we let her have it for comparing us to that dreadful Lindsey Lohan (oh yes, we’ve seen Mean Girls) or would we pretend that we didn’t know and catch her in our web and make her come clean on her own? At that point we realized that Miss Thing might have had a point.
We gathered our wits and our dignity and strolled in. Olga was directly in our path. Olga works with Ella. We don’t really know her well but she’s always friendly. We recently discovered that Olga had emigrated from Russia as a teen. Mysterious Olga instantly became just a little bit fascinating.
We gave Olga a halfhearted wave, said hello and started our Ella hunt. All of a sudden a husky voice issued a rather loud command. “Stop” Um what? Surely that was not directed at Scamper. We paused for a moment anyway. Scamper was well bred. When a commanding female voice tells us to stop, instinctively, we halt.
Just one second here missy, we thought, as we realized that we had just displayed a Pavlovian response. As we turned to give Olga a good what for, she came trotting over, grabbed our chin and said,”Bubalah” Then she looked us up and down, clucked her tongue and said, “Come” as she crooked her finger. You may not know any Russian ladies, but trust us, you don’t fool with those girls.
We were escorted into a conference room where we saw Ella and Yael calmly seated at the table. Yael is a really young beauty who works with Ella. She always amuses us for two reasons in particular. #1 Her name is Yael but she didn’t realize that she was Jewish and # 2 She wears some kind of butt lifting contraption on occasion that blows our mind. Whenever she wears it, we have to give her butt a little poke to see if it moves. It doesn’t. She’s fun.
Being ambushed wasn’t. “Ok, ladies, what’s going on” we asked with an edge.
“We’re all here to see Olga” Ella seemed to be under the impression that she had just stated the obvious. She had not.
“How lovely” we trilled. Ella knows us well enough to know that when we say lovely, it’s code for not lovely at all. Just to make sure she got it, we shot her a look and as we passed by her chair, we gave her hair a pull. Then we sat down like the lady that we are.
She could tell that we were not receiving this surprise well. (Scamper 101. The word surprise had best come with one of two things. A warning or a present.) So much for the warning. We didn’t see a present either. All we could do was mutter to her, “this better be good”. We were super quiet about it though because as we said, you don’t mess with the Russian ones.
Out of nowhere, ok actually out of an enormous satchel, Olga produced a bright blue scarf with gold coins hanging from it. She tied it around her head and mumbled in Russian. Then she produced her lap top, turned it on, typed something in, pointed at Ella and said “Go.”
Ella spat out a list of traits that she would like in a man. Olga typed like a speed demon and then raised her hands like a faith healer and said,” It is done.”
We still had no idea what was going on until Ella grinned at us in what we can only describe as a deeply disturbing way and cooed, “J Date.”
“You aren’t even Jewish” Ella shrugged her shoulders and nodded towards Olga. Olga shrugged her shoulders and said,” It’s a gift.”
Apparently, Olga comes from a long line of match makers. She says that she knows when you’re ready and then she finds your mate. Today, Ella was ready. Yael is scheduled in 10 days. Given that Ella is a beautiful Latina whose religion is a major part of her life, and she’s Christian, we found it odd and we said so. Ella said,” Don’t hate” which made us roll our eyes and remember that it was almost Botox time. Olga pulled the old world routine, touched the scarf on her head and said, “The babushka knows.” Oh brother.
Then she approached Scamper. We may have recoiled, just a scosche. But when she grabbed our chin again and said, “3 weeks, Bubalah,” we smiled.
We can’t wait to hear what happens with Ella and since she missed the return of Empire tonight, we’re thinking that Olga might have done some kind of magic. We’ll reserve judgement until tomorrow but Miss Thing better get ready to kiss the mean girl good bye and welcome Scamper back.